Improving Sibling Dynamics

Eight out of ten children in the United States have a sibling. That’s actually more than the number of kids who live with both parents.

And yet, we continue to focus far more on the parent-child relationship than we do on the bond between siblings.

But here’s the truth: A sibling is a lifelong companion. They’ll likely be in a child’s life far longer than any parent will. Their relationship has the potential to shape a child’s development in powerful ways-sometimes even more deeply than our own relationship with them as parents.

Of course, sibling relationships come with their own set of challenges. Jealousy, rivalry, resentment, physical aggression, and frequent disagreements can take a toll on the entire family system. Left unaddressed, these conflicts can rob siblings of the full potential of their bond.

Potential for what, you might ask?

Well, research by McHale and colleagues shows that when siblings cooperate, support one another, and maintain a positive relationship, it’s linked to numerous benefits:

• Higher academic achievement

• Stronger peer relationships

• Increased social competence

• Healthier, more successful intimate relationships in adulthood

And perhaps even more meaningful than all of that - siblings have the opportunity to become lifelong best friends.
A built-in companion who knows you better than anyone else. Someone who supports you, loves you unconditionally, and walks beside you through life. When nurtured well, the sibling bond can be one of the most grounding, loyal, and fulfilling relationships a person has.

And it’s not just the kids who benefit - when siblings are getting along, the entire family dynamic improves. Parents report lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression.

So what can we do when our kids are constantly at each other’s throats?

First, we need to accept that our families are dynamic systems-always shifting and changing. Every member contributes either to the friction or to the growth.

Next, check out the steps below to help strengthen sibling bonds, reduce conflict, and build a home environment that supports lasting connection between your children.

10 Ways to Strengthen Sibling Relationships

Now that we’ve acknowledged how important sibling bonds are, let’s look at some practical ways to support and nurture them -especially when conflict is part of your everyday reality.

1. Be mindful of favoritism.
Favoritism never feels good. Kids can sense unfairness in a heartbeat, and when one child is consistently praised or defended, it can lead to resentment and jealousy. If you're always spotlighting one child (often the more well-behaved one), it can unintentionally reinforce the other’s challenging behavior. What we focus on grows. Try giving balanced, specific, and positive feedback to both children.
If you find this difficult, don’t hesitate to seek help. I offer free consultations and can provide referrals if I’m not the right fit for your needs.

2. Create opportunities to role-play and practice conflict resolution.
This one can be surprisingly fun! Set aside time to role-play common sibling conflicts in a safe and playful way. Start with one child (often easier with the older sibling), then include both. Use pretend play to practice taking turns, sharing, and using kind words. This makes learning these skills feel like a game-not a lecture.

3. Spend individual time with each child-just keep it fair.
One-on-one time matters for every child, no matter their age. Make sure you are rotating that time equally. Even older kids crave solo moments with you, so do not assume they have outgrown that need. When each child feels seen, heard, and valued individually, it often reduces sibling rivalry.

4. Encourage your children to support one another.
Teach your kids that they are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. When they help or show kindness to one another, talk about what that means. Let them pick out gifts, draw pictures, or write notes to one another. However, they choose to express love and support-encourage it, and celebrate it.

5. Monitor their interactions and coach through conflict.
Especially with younger kids, supervision during play is key. You don’t need to hover constantly, but observing in short intervals allows you to step in when necessary-whether it's to stop toy snatching, help with turn-taking, or correct unfair behavior. Use timers, scripts, or visual tools to teach problem-solving. The goal is to help siblings eventually handle conflict independently.

6. Focus on teamwork, not comparisons.
Please avoid comparing your children, even in subtle ways. Phrases like “Look, Jimmy finished his dinner-what about you, Joe?” may sound innocent, but they fuel competition. Instead, promote teamwork: “Jimmy, you’re done eating-could you read Joe a story while he finishes?” Shift the dynamic from rivalry to cooperation. Look for opportunities to promote teamwork any chance you have.

7. Read books about siblings.
Especially helpful with young children, sibling-themed books can open up conversations and teach social-emotional skills. Read together, talk about what is happening in the story, and then make a plan to try one of the positive behaviors you saw. You would be amazed what even toddlers can absorb from stories.

8. Stop physical aggression immediately.
This one is serious. If one child is consistently being hurt by another-pushing, hitting, or worse-it is a safety issue, not “just sibling stuff.” If aggression is common in your household, it can deeply impact the child being hurt and damage trust. Intervene, set clear boundaries, and get support if needed. You are not alone-I have helped many families with this.

9. Foster their relationship by creating meaningful shared experiences.
Kids build connection by doing things together. This is not screen time-it is shared, active time: walking the dog, playing board games, building Legos, cooking, or going to a baseball game. When you see those beautiful moments of connection, point them out. What you appreciate will grow.

10. Teach healthy communication skills.
Kids need help learning how to express themselves and regulate their emotions. If you always let them “work it out,” it often leads to escalation-not resolution. Step in early to guide them. Use phrases like:

“Wow, you both really want to play with this toy. Let’s take a breath and come up with a plan.”
Model calm, respectful language. Younger children especially need help finding their words. Phrases like “My turn, please,” or “That’s mine,” are great basics to practice early and often.

By implementing these strategies, you can help your children navigate the complexities of sibling relationships more effectively. Remember, nurturing the bond between siblings takes time and effort, but the rewards are profound. Not only will your children benefit from a strong, lifelong friendship, but the entire family dynamic will improve, leading to a more harmonious home environment. Embrace the journey of fostering these connections, and take pride in the positive impact it can have on your family’s overall well-being.